Unity in Bombing

The recent serial bombing of Ahmedabad and Bangalore have thrown up many things that need to be looked in with immediate effect. These heinous crimes against humanity have bought suffering to everyone and it’s only a matter of time before India decides to do some thing drastic. After all desperate times call for desperate methods, don’t they?

The investigation agencies are looking deep into the Indian Mujahideens threat to the leading Muslim actors of Hindi film industry. They can’t comprehend why simple people like actors like Aamir, Shah Rukh, Salman and Saif Ali Khans are perforce being used as pawns in this battle between good and bad. Salman Khan has decided to pay no heed to this threat as he doesn’t consider himself an actor. He believes that he has been accidentally dragged into this list just because he shares his surname with the likes of Aamir ‘The Actor’ Khan and Shah Rukh-I-Might-Ham-But-Have-Eight-Best-Actor-Filmfare-Award-Khan. Mr. Salman Khan was last seen keeping vigil on the streets of Bandra in front of Shah Rukh Khan's ensuring SRK’s safety.

Meanwhile Aamir Khan has taken great offence to this threat and argued that he doesn’t need extra security because he is now Samsung Mobile. He has publicly declared the same as well. Last checked Samsung Mobile was a secular and all religion respecting entity that challenges the limits and is only indicted of being tough on non-users. Anything that casts a threat to secular forces will not be spared by the government and the security agencies are overtly worried because no one including Mr. Aamir Khan know next is what? One can’t be too safe in these times.

SRK has refused to publicly comment on this but in private has been seen hanging out with the likes of Arjun Rampal and Suneil Shetty. Sources close to the star say that this could help him enter the category of wooden performers. This might just end up working as the inverse refuses to happen even though SRK keeps his faith in Arjun Rampal.

These warnings have really cast a shadow of doubts amongst people. At some level a rift of sorts seems to have entered the collective psyche of B-Town denizens. Zayed Khan and Fardeen Khan have not liked the fact they have been kept off the list of the actors who were warned. They both have since decided that a stupid warning will not split the Khandaan in any way.

Saif Ali Khan is the worst off. Just as he was getting cozy with the superstar actor status bestowed upon him, things started getting rough for him. In order to pacify anyone who casts doubts about the fact that Saif Ali can really act has been advised to order DVD’s of Ta Ra Rum Pum and Thoda Pyar, Thoda Magic from the YashRaj website. He had a secret meeting with Akshay Kumar to help the industry ride over this crisis. Saif and Akshay go a long way; they consider each other to the brother they never had.

Upon Saif’s request Akshay Kumar has decided to don the mantle of new King of Bollywood. Akshay has taken his role of being an apostle of peace a little too seriously. His portrayal of Kinng as Singh has announced his arrival in manner which would make all communities happy.

Nothing unites a nation like a tragedy. Ever since the infamy bought upon the nation by Indian Mujahedeen, right wing groups have been bombarded by phone calls by fans of all sizes and shapes. They have demanded that a similar threat be issued to ‘actors’ like Tushar Kapoor, Suneil Shetty, Arjun Rampal, Himesh Reshamiya, Rahul Bose. Here’s hoping that nothing breaks the strong bond we share as Indians. God bless those who feel the pain of their brother…

Chak De India

After Cheeni Kum and Bheja Fry, Chak De India is the third film I have enjoyed this year. The euphoria that Chak De India has generated reminds me of the same reaction that Black induced from people, even though it was blatantly similar to the Miracle Worker. A few months later many of those who loved Black sang a different tune for now they found Ms. Mukherjee's Chaplinesque walk rather funny and Mr. Bachchan too loud and over the top.

The city-bred sensibilities of the director may have worked against him and didn't allow the film to scratch beneath the surface. The film relies heavily (at times rather too heavily) on stereotypes. Now there is nothing wrong with stereotyping for (a) it saves screen time, (b) it delivers the point and (c) it helps you get out of sticky situations. Having said that am I to believe that Jharkhand is the new catchword for Jungle? Jaideep Sahni who furnished the script and the lyrics has been associated with very interesting films in the past (Khosla Ka Ghosla and Bunty Aur Babli) but this time around falls short.

The film is supposed to be about a bunch of girls who fight all odds and fulfill their dream(s) and about a coach who redeems his past failure as a player. I'm OK with Hockey not getting the center stage but even the personal track of the girls is just fleetingly touched. The cricketer boyfriend is so stereotypical that he could have been left out; the husband of the goalkeeper has two scenes and it looks like the actor (Nakul Vaid) sleepwalked through his lines. The other players have great intro scenes and some masala to enjoy in the middle but the last twenty minutes of the film just wraps up everything with so much of candy floss that it looks like a big cover-up operation.

Using hockey as a metaphor is a nothing but a smart tactic on the part of the people behind the film; cricket’s been done to death and kabadi won’t look as neat! We don't get to know anything about the game; the coach, who seems to be like a father figure, trains everyone the same way and those who don't love him can take the bench. The tactics discussed in the film sound more like basketball than hockey just like Iqbal made cricket look like baseball. Maybe it has some thing to do with the directors who stayed in America for a long time. The officials in the film are straight out of some 1980’s film which is OK for the do reflect the larger gentry’s take on women in sports but wouldn’t it make for greater drama if officials were kind of based on the real culprits? Imagine someone like KPS Gill sitting larger than life in front of SRK.

The manner in which the girls are introduced- all at the same place and in the same style. All of them seem like misfits in the blue print of life. Why? Why couldn’t one of the girls be a ‘normal ’ person who is not being subjected to torture by family or society at large? Only the Chandigarh babe is shown like that but is it that you can only enjoy what you do if you are capable of faking it as a supermodel!? The question is if I liked Chak De India and enjoyed it and am considering watching it a second time around- why the hell am I pissing and moaning so much? Well for one I think it's an opportunity wasted. Shimit Amin's comes across as a smart filmmaker but Ab Tak Chappan still seems like a better story. Chak De India for me is more of a casting success and packaging success than anything else. The casting of the girls is bang on and one just has to see them in action to believe that. The casting director happens to be a classmate of mine with whom I lost touch almost nine years ago; way to go Abhimanyu Ray.

Image Courtesy: India FM

Hit Me Baby One More Time...

George Bernard Shaw famously pointed out; the two tragedies of life are not getting what you want and getting what you want. Most films when made are accompanied by hundreds of prayers; it should get the money back, it should recover the cost, hope it makes some profit, wish it became the biggest hit of the year, hope I get more work, etc. Once the film becomes a freak hit, sequels are planned for that means everyone would make money and load of it. Johnny Depp was paid 10 million for the first Pirates of the Caribbean and with the subsequent films his remuneration has doubled even though the quality of part 2 wasn’t a patch on part 1.

The first sequel churned out by Hollywood was 1916's Fall of a Nation, a follow-up to D.W. Griffith's wildly successful 1915 feature Birth of a Nation. Legend has it that Fall of a Nation was written by Thomas Dixon, whose book The Clansman was turned into Birth of a Nation. Dixon didn't get any money out of the film, so he threw together Fall of a Nation to cash in -- and started a Hollywood tradition.

I think the earliest sequel in India was Nigahen that was a follow up to Nagina. The second part didn’t do that good and it wasn’t till now that sequels have become like the staple diet. In the recent past the sequels have made so much money that people are threatening to start film franchisees like the West. Once in a while I think sequels are a good idea, a little more of the good thing won’t kill anyone. Also that in some cases like Munnabhai MBBS, the characters warrant their presence in different situations; the result Lage Raho Munnabhai’s innovative approach. But then when economics is the driving force I don’t think any reasoning could work. Phir Hera Pheri wasn’t a patch on the first one but I think it made enough money for a third one to hit us soon. Awara Paagal Deewana or Deewane Hue Paagal…same difference! Similar was the case with Vastav 2 (I don’t even recall the crazy title it had) and Darna Zaroori Hain was a freak case so let me not get into that.

Hindi films are standing at a crossroads; these crossroads are coming too often and too soon! The first lot of third installment of hit films has set the ball rolling for new times in Hindi cinema. The first film to have a third installment in India would be Krrish 2 that for the uninitiated would actually be Koi Mil Gaya 3. In the first film Hrithik Roshan played two variations of the same character, in the second part he was playing three versions and in the third one he’d end up playing four. Hmm by the time Koi Mil Gaya 10 comes out Mr. Rakesh Roshan wouldn’t really need any other actor in the film. Talk about cost cutting in something driven by the sheer desire of making money! Just Hrithik Thump Roshan in a film…wow that by itself would be a record. No wait there was that Sunil Dutt experimental film Yaadein in which there was just Mr. Dutt.

The sequel department of Bombay is really working overtime. There is Dhoom 3 in the pipeline and rumor has it that YashRaj might have already planned Dhoom –the 12th with Abhishek’s son. The son of the producer of the funny Andaz Apna Apna wants to make a sequel, Hanuman 2 should be ready by the end of this year, Munnabhai is all set to go to Amerika once the Special TADA court’s judge allows him to, Don 2.2 (that .2 for the new version of the older remake, my idea not SRK’s!) promises to evade the police of 11 nations to get the don back.

Everyone knows that the sequels rarely match up to the original. It’s an unwritten truth like the statement that the book was better than the film. If Hindi films are doing what the West is doing then this could just be the tip of iceberg. Can you imagine what’d happen if they start making prequels? Who the hell wants to know how Rohit’s (Koi Mil Gaya) father met his mother!?

Cinema Last

The mushrooming multiplexes in the country are a result of a chain reaction initiated by Mr. Ajay Bijli of the PVR chain. Amongst many ‘firsts’ this chain was the unparalleled leader in exhibition business of cinemas. PVR proudly claims that for them ‘cinema first’.

Please visit one of their halls to experience anything but that.

Let’s start with the very first thing one does in order to watch film- book tickets. If have you ever tried the option of Internet booking on PVR’s website you’d notice that they charge a ‘convenience fee’. They levy a ten rupees fee for booking the tickets online while I think that online book should be cheaper. So if 100 people book online per day that’s 1000 bucks a day, 30,000 a month and 3,60,000 a month! Wow! This is definitely a first.

OK once you brave the traffic, fight it out foe the parking spot and finally arrive at the cinema hall you are treated like the scum of this earth. In the name of security a guard will frisk you as if you the pole that he’s dancing to! They don’t allow you bags, cameras, laptops, etc. They don’t allow cigarettes, which is OK with me but if you are chewing gum they ask you to spit it out. They will make you empty your pockets and only allow cell phones and nothing else. I don’t blame Mr. Bijli for not visiting Adlabs or Fame in Bombay; they too frisk, check but allow normal things like handbags and laptops inside! I understand this being Delhi he can’t have his way as far as security is concerned but at least allow me to chew gum!

Every show will have at least three people who are in for a rude shock when they see someone else is already warming their seats. I can’t figure out why the hell do you need people to guide you to your seat, isn’t that printed and isn’t the hall well lit along the aisle for any idiot to find the seat? OK in spite of all this if you have someone to guide you why do they goof up!

When the lights fade out and the screen comes to life you are hit by some meaningless ads instead of the trailers or the ‘feature presentation.’ I know they need that money to run the fancy show, pay for the rentals but does Mr. Bijli intend to take all that money from me!? As it is he charges the heaven for the tickets… anyway they have four digits printed on the ticket called the show timing but who the hell worries about that little thingy? No film will ever start on time.

When the film finally starts you are in for yet another rude shock- the film’s print has been massacred by careful handling by the unique cinema lovers who work at PVR. I saw Spiderman-3 first day-second show; Shootout at Lokhandwala on the second day both the films had more scratches than a car crash survivor. For the money that they charge the least they can do is make sure that we don’t get third world treatment.

During interval you make a beeline for the ‘concession stand’ where you will get everything from candy to four types of overpriced sweet carbonated water, nachos, corn, Baskin Robbins ice-cream but you can’t get simple black coffee. Sorry sir the friggin machine only spurts out pre-mixed coffee! Some wise guy sued such places for cranking up the price and charging more than the printed MRP of bottled water so India Inc. got together and now charges the same exorbitant price by printing that as the MRP on a bottle specially packed for PVR. (whatever that means!)

Many moons ago Priya used to screen old films in addition to the current crop as part of some festival but now the more things change the more they remain same. There are a hundred screens in Delhi or Mumbai and they all are playing the same crap! Given a choice I still choose Priya over anything else for the sheer beauty of the cinema hall. I haven’t been a DT cinema till now and hope to keep it that way (old story, some other time!)

PVR has a bright future irrespective of the fact that they are at loggerheads with Yashraj Films. I like the way Mr. Bijli plans and I’m sure he has more than the four aces that life dealt him. They have come out with an IPO; they are getting in film production; industry grapevine reveals that Mr. Bijli and Mr. Aamir Khan have tied up to machao some major dhoom. People will need entertainment and will need places to beat the heat. So while your favorite blockbuster plays in an air-conditioned hall in the neighborhood, cinema can actually rue for being last on the priority list.

Ta Ra Rum Puming

The supposed summer blockbuster from Yashraj Films, Ta Ra Rum Pum (TRRP) has fallen flat and how; baring the opening weekend it was all downhill for the film. Maybe they knew they had a loser on their hands or else how the hell do you explain the TV promos that give away almost everything including Saif Ali Khan winning some race! I think the last time an YRF film did so bad was Neal ‘N Nikki but then that was a film made by the studio’s charted accountants. They must have hauled Mr. Aditya Chopra and told him, “Dude we need to show some losses! Let's haul up Uday and Tanisha, send them on a holiday to Canada and while at it why not handicam it and when they get back play the darn thing for just about the entire country!” Neal ‘N Nikki still had the proverbial face saving advertisements that announced to the world that the film is running successfully and that they better watch it at a cinema hall near them; in YRF’s case at “any and every” cinema hall near you! Does the conspicuous absence of the usual ‘running successfully’ ads mean that YRF is embarrassed about TRRP? Or am I not watching enough TV?

I like Aditya Chopra; I like the way Aditya Chopra thinks and operates. I loved his Dilwale and can still watch Mohabatein from any point. The guy has changed the way people make films. Now everyone wants to do everything in house! If he finds something half way decent in you, rest assured you’d still be thanking your lucky stars while he goes ahead and not only plans your film but also releases it at every screen near you and your naani! The studio system that Ram Gopal Verma propagated didn’t succeed as RGV, I think, was only interested in RGV films helmed by RGV wannabes. But with Aditya Chopra that’s really not the case. It’s OK that he might finalize just about everything but he’s also produced a film like Kabul Express in which the director was give a carte blanc to do just what he deemed fit.

Chopra is a demigod who can’t seem to do anything wrong. Sure we all feel angry when YRF bombards the screen and leaves us with hardly any choice but to see their selection of the week whenever they come out with a film. I couldn’t be more surprised when all actors want to be the prized possession of YRF stables for they take such good care of them as if YRF were some leading chain of spas and not a film studio! But tell me something, if half the industry including your father worshiped the ground you walked on, I’m sure you’d also do just whatever the hell your little heart desired.

My only issue with this entire syrupy, sugary YFR family-sized lollipop is that it’s time they realized it’s a business and accepted that little dose of reality. This would make a lot of things easier for the actors who seem to act more while talking about the making of the film than the actual work on the film. I can live with the fact that Mr. Aditya Chopra makes films to make money, keep himself busy and entertain people in the bargain (Dilwale has been running for the 12th consecutive year now) but for the love of god I can’t live with the likes of Mr. Saif Ali Khan or Ms. Rani Mukherjee talking about shooting TRRP in USA as if they were on military duty in Iraq. Guys enjoy the YFR hospitality and don’t look so serious as if though you are doing art a great favor by doing it the YRF way.

Even genius can go wrong some time and just by putting two cute little chipmunks along with Saif Ali Khan and Rani Mukherjee, you can't make people throng to the cinema halls. No cute lil kiddo will choose TRRP over Spiderman. Till the next time Mr. Aditya Chopra decides to direct a film I can suggest an alternate career for him- considering that everyone goes ga-ga over YRF’s hospitality maybe Aditya Chopra should invest in hotels. I think Siberia and Alaska would worth checking out in addition to the usual suspects- Poland, England, Germany, France, USA, Australia, Romania, Switzerland, Holland, Brazil, Italy…did I miss some?